Even Leonie Sheedy's family don't know just how deeply the abuse she suffered in a children's home has affected her life.
So why, the 64-year-old says, should she and other survivors be forced to reveal their deepest, most personal and most sensitive part of their lives to their abusers through the national redress scheme.
"We shouldn't have to sell our souls for a lousy amount of money - of $72,000 average payment," Ms Sheedy told a federal parliamentary committee examining the scheme's implementation.
"Give us some dignity please."
The outspoken advocate for people who grew up in orphanages feels so strongly about it she won't attend the October 22 national apology for institutional child sexual abuse survivors or apply for redress.
The Care Leavers Australasia Network CEO spent 13 years in a Victorian orphanage run by the Sisters of Mercy.
She admits she is paranoid about her personal information but is adamant the Catholic order and Victorian government, those supposed to protect the ward of the state, have lost any right to know about the impact on her life.
"Those nuns and the enablers who are representatives of the nuns, I would not trust them with my life and I do not trust them to know my personal business," she tearfully told the Sydney hearing on Wednesday.
The committee heard the requirement to share information about the impact of the abuse with the responsible institution was a policy decision made by the federal government.
Ms Sheedy argued survivors who do not want a direct personal response from the institution should have the choice of whether to provide that information.
She said applications under the Defence Abuse Response Taskforce were much more survivor-focused, including asking what the applicant wanted to receive out of the process.
So far fewer than 10 payments have been made under the national redress scheme, from more than 1500 applications lodged since it began on July 1.
While the major churches and charities have committed to the scheme, the process of getting individual institutions officially signed on continues.
Representatives of the government departments responsible for the scheme said the Salvation Army was recently fully "on-boarded" and work was continuing with the Catholic Church entities.
Once the major religious organisations were official participants, a more substantial volume of payments was anticipated.
CLAN fears some survivors may die before they receive redress.
Ms Sheedy quoted 96-year-old CLAN member who has applied for redress and plans to be in Canberra for Prime Minister Scott Morrison's national apology: "Are they waiting for us to all die?"